I’ve taken a week-long break from writing anything fitness-related. I wanted inspiration to strike. It has.

Yesterday, I received a nice comment from my mother-in-law. She told my wife that I had a very soothing voice, such that would be perfect for meditative or relaxation audio, like those CDs that instruct you to “Lay back in your chair,” and “Begin by tensing and releasing the muscles of the neck. There. That’s it.” My response to this was outright laughter. No, it’s not that I wasn’t pleased with the compliment (I do, in fact, have quite the voice), but has this woman ever been around me for any prolonged length of time? Honestly. I’m the most wound-up person I know. I will illustrate this with an example, which was also what made me start laughing in the first place. This example concerns a recent bout of time playing SimCity 4. It went something like this (for the sake of hilarity, I will present this dialogue to you from my wife’s perspective; she was in the other room.)

Me (Nonplussed): What the fuck.
(Time passes)
Me (More aggravated): What the fuck?!
(Time passes)
Me: WHAT THE FUCK?!?
(More time passes)
Me: Fine. I’ll lay some pipe. Great.
(More time passes)
Me: You already have water. I GAVE YOU WATER?! Why are you moving out?
(More time passes)
Me: Fine. Fuckin’ fine. Just go. I build the fucking stadium and it doesn’t even matter. Goddammit.

To someone in another apartment, it probably sounded like we were having the weirdest one-sided domestic dispute in history.

Do these sound like the words of someone who is capable of relaxing anyone else? This type of behavior isn’t limited to engrossing, simulation-style computer or console entertainment, either. You should hear the constant stream of excited expletives that come from my office while working. And don’t get me started about driving.

Why do I get like this, around things as stupid as computers, games or traffic? Simple. I’m a control freak. It’s not all bad, though – and here’s the part where I relate fitness to my hilarious-but-not-totally-on-topic introduction: you need that impulse, if you’re going to lose 165 pounds. That’s like, a person; hell, that’s almost me, now. The point is, to reach that state, a person typically has to lack at least a portion of their self-control; conversely, you’re going to have to gain some (control), if you want to lose some (poundage).

Perhaps I’ve had success at losing weight, precisely because I’m a control freak. At the end of the day, if something is really important to me, I’m going to do it, even if it makes me physically uncomfortable. When I’m feeling uncomfortable, that’s really when I’m at my best, because it’s when I have to exert the most control over myself to achieve results.

Yeah, okay; that’s somewhat screwed up. It’s why, while I’ve had some pretty good results, I don’t think I could ever be a personal trainer: a typical session might start out this way, with my calm and mellifluous voice intoning:

“Please. Feel free to step onto the elliptical. Prior to doing so, begin by stretching the muscles of your legs and lower back. There. That’s it.”

but it wouldn’t be too long before it lapsed into something like this:

“What?! You don’t want to step up to 250 RPMs? Fine. FUCK YOU!”

It works for me. Find something that works for you. Report back.